Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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