If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
