genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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