she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
