Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
