And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
