Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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