Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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