Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
