My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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