i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm getting married
To pizza
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize