we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
