If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
