Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
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I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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