I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
