Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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