gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
