Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
