phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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