My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sorry about my life...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize