ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
