Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
