buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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