He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
this just has baby written all over it
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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