whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
