I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
