So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
