Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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