If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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