i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
