dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
