if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He felt like a one man threesome
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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