Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
