don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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