His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
