hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you had me at cake vodka
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
