What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
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Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
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You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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