are you still at the devil's house?
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
