just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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