If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
