My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
