Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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