So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She bit a glass in half.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
