Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
accomplished twins. life is a go
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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