I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
