We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
