so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
