there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
