I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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