Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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