last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
