Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
