I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
